Balancing Motherhood With Your Identity: A Real Talk From a Mom of Two

Hey, Mama. If you’re in the thick of those early newborn days, don’t feel alone.  All of us moms have been there.  It’s a time of messy buns, nursing bras, cold coffee, a daily shower if you are lucky, and a baby glued to your chest.  It’s a weird combination of pure exhaustion and the best time of your life. And I remember exactly how you feel.

The fourth trimester, also known as those first 12 weeks after birth, is amazing.  But they can also feel isolating, emotional, and like your life has completely changed. Your baby is learning how to be in the world, and you’re learning how to be a new version of yourself.  The version that is mom. You’re healing physically and emotionally, bonding, figuring out feeding, and somehow functioning on the least amount of sleep you have ever had. It’s beautiful—and overwhelming.

No matter how many prep for baby class, books, and TikTok videos, not a lot of attention goes into that awkward transition from who you have been all your life, to mom.  You have a new title, responsible for a teeny little baby, and from now on you will be known to many people as so and so’s mom.  Really, I have so many contacts in my phone saved as Jenny’s mom, Oliver’s dad, and so on.

You’re Not Just a Mom—You’re Still You

When my first baby was born, I remember feeling like I had been erased. I went from “Stephanie” to “Mama,” and while that new title was deeply meaningful and makes me so happy, I missed the parts of myself that made me me. I missed all the things I loved to do before a baby was attached to me. I missed going to dinner with my husband without worrying about how the baby was with the sitter. I missed laughing with friends without checking the baby monitor. I even missed just going to the store without it being a timeline of when the baby will need to eat or have a blowout.

If you’re feeling that loss, please know it’s normal. Although it can feel like it, motherhood doesn’t replace who you are.  It adds a whole new layer to who you are.

Tip #1: Redefine What “Balance” Looks Like

Let’s be honest, balance doesn’t mean doing everything perfectly. It means giving yourself grace and allowing space for you to exist alongside your baby.

Maybe you can’t do yoga every day or meet friends for brunch like before, but can you take five minutes to stretch while the baby naps. FaceTime friends instead of meeting for coffee. For me, it was sneaking in some trashy reality TV and just vegging out for a little bit after bedtime at night.

Tip #2: Keep One Ritual That’s Just Yours

In the early days, the smallest act could be grounding. For me, it was washing my face and putting on a little lip balm, even if I was going right back to bed. It reminded me that I needed some daily care and gave me a fresh start to the day, even when it was a repeat of the feedings, diaper changes, and power naps from the day before.

Think about something that’s always brought you joy or made you feel like you and brings you joy.  Things like music, journaling, morning coffee, and a five-minute skincare routine. Guard that space. It’s not selfish, it’s essential. I always went back to those airplane lectures about putting on your oxygen mask before helping others.  Take some time to take care of yourself, so you can be the best version of you for your baby.

Tip #3: Say Yes When Help is Offered, and Ask When It’s Not

There’s a weird pressure to “do it all,” especially in the beginning. I fully blame it on all the unrealistic social media videos of the perfect mom with perfect hair, homeschooling her kids, and making fresh sourdough.  But let me tell you: you don’t get extra mom points for burning out.  And anyone who has been in your shoes gets it, and will almost always offer to help.  And this is where you need to take the initiative and accept it.  Even if it’s just grandma holding the baby while you nap, the neighbor dropping off a hot dish, or anything.  Take them up on the offer.  And if they don’t offer, or it’s not something you are interested in, self-advocate and ask for the help.

Taking a nap, stepping out for a walk alone, or even just having someone hold the baby so you can shower in peace does not make you a bad mom or some indulgence. It’s self-preservation.  Again, put your oxygen mask on first.

Tip #4: Talk About Something Other Than the Baby

Yes, your baby is your whole world right now, but that doesn’t mean you have to stop caring about books, shows, world news, art, memes, or whatever made your eyes light up before. You deserve conversations that remind you you’re still a whole person.

Even if it’s just texting a friend about your favorite show, or reading a short article while feeding the baby, feeding your mind matters too.  While it was technically a baby-based class, going to ECFE classes and having that little time to connect with other moms was a lifesaver for me.  Topics ranged from our kids, to things in the community, vacation planning, and more.  It was a group of moms, together not focused on being mom but connecting with others.  And some of those moms are still dear friends all these years later.

Tip #5: Let Go of the Guilt

Mama guilt is real, and it’s sneaky. It tells you you’re doing too much or not enough. It tells you that taking time for yourself is wrong.

Here’s the truth.  A happy and healthy mom is one of the best gifts you can give your child. When you care for yourself, you’re not taking away from your baby. You’re modeling what it looks like to value your needs and health.

Many moms struggle with postpartum depression or anxiety, and it irritates me that it’s still seen as time as some taboo thing we don’t want to talk about or admit to. If you need some extra help, ask for it.  All moms have been there to some extent and have lots of tips, tricks, and resources to share.

Tip #6: Remember That Identity Is Fluid

Your identity before the baby didn’t disappear, it’s just changed.  There is no death of your previous self; instead, you are evolving. Yes, life has changed a lot. Your priorities might be different now. But the person you were before your baby was born at your core is still there.  She’s just exhausted, covered in spit up, and changing diapers nonstop.  Give yourself time to explore this new version of you. And know that just like your baby is growing, you are too.

You Are Still You. Just With More Love Now

If no one has told you this lately, let me: You’re doing an amazing job. It’s okay to grieve the parts of you that feel lost right now. And it’s okay to look forward to rediscovering them or finding a new and improved version of you.

Motherhood is a powerful transformation. I always joke that it’s similar to the Grinch’s heart growing, one part of you doesn’t need to disappear to make room for being mom.  You’re growing to make room for who you were and this new mom version of you.

Keep showing up for your newborn baby. But please, don’t forget to show up for you, too, on this journey into motherhood.